Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Is This the Goodbye Post?

I was sitting on the couch yesterday, bored. Not interested in books. Not interested in the bookternet. Not interested in writing, or stickers, or running. Not interested in anything but sitting in quiet and wallowing in it.

Many times I've thought about shutting this blog down. I don't read for a month or more at a time. I don't prioritize it among all the other things going on. I've been neglecting Book Riot. My sticker shop is closed when it was supposed to reopen last Friday. I haven't been running.

This is what depression looks like for me. It's a distinctive lack where there was, even recently, an abundance. An abundance of enthusiasm, energy, drive. Now, silence or a nagging in my head.

I've certainly known this cycle for long enough that I realize I shouldn't make major decisions when I feel this way. I miss writing here, I miss writing at Book Riot, I miss it.

I miss you.

When I'm out of this funk, I hope I'll feel differently. I hope I'll feel something.

Note: Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm on meds. I've lived this for 30 years. Just another cycle. But, alas, I share it because I want others to feel less alone.  


20 comments:

  1. I hear you Andi. And am sending you hugs. I let my meds run out a few months ago and OMG did I realize just how much I needed to go back on them immediately. This is a bit like what depression looks like for me as well. Everything just stops. When I told hub how long it's been since I blogged, he told me that I really need to make time for the things that I love. But do I love it still? I don't know. I miss the connection, mostly. It's been so hard since the election. Everything that is not politics feels so trivial. On the other hand, blogging has been part of my life for 10 years (I know longer for you). How can I just let go of something that has been so present...that has shaped almost every aspect of me. Incidentally, I do have my first post in 3 months scheduled for tomorrow. I'm hoping if I can force myself into it, it will start feeling natural again. Wonder if there's a good Mexican dive in Farmersville we can meet at to wallow together.

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  2. As someone who is in the very same place, I feel you Andi. Take all the time you need. *hugs*

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  3. Trucking toward the end of my first year of grad school, I find myself in a similar place. I get what I have to done, but all I really feel like doing lately is sleeping.

    I'm sorry to hear you're there, too. Here's hoping it's a short cycle for the both of us. <3

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  4. It's what it looks like for me, too. I have been in the worst depression this spring. I've bobbed to the surface the last week or so, and I'm still furiously gulping oxygen, afraid that the next wave could crash any second.

    If there's anything I can do to help, you know I'm right here!

    Hang in there, sweetie. Resist. Persist! xo

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  5. Sorry to read about your struggles. I hope this doesn't last too long.

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  6. Thanks for telling us not to worry, friend, cause this post had me feeling worry for you. I still am, because I have absolutely been where you're at, where depression is just Nothing but the kind of Nothing that consumes every other possible interest. I hope you're being kind and patient with yourself. You are awesome and loved. <3

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  7. Thanks for telling us what's going on. Please take care of yourself.

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  8. I've been in a blogging funk for a few months now, too. As Trish said, it's been so hard since the election. It does feel trivial. And I've been busy with getting the house ready to sell and now to move. But I miss the connection with my long-time friends who pulled me into this blogosphere so many, many years ago. I miss the small community. I wish I lived near the two of you so we could go and wallow in good guac, chips and margaritas! Seriously, though, I'm so sorry your depression is pulling you down. I know a big hug doesn't really help, but that's all I can offer (virtually, of course), as well as good thoughts and love. You're surrounded by wonderful friends and family and I know you'll be just fine. Thank you for letting us in and keeping us informed. Be well, dear, dear friend.

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  9. I miss you too, lovely. I hope that recognising it is part of a cycle makes it a little easier for you (even as I realise it does not in any way make it easy). Thank you for letting us know how it's going.

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  10. I've felt very lonely lately because I've withdrawn a lot since the election. I think about reaching out to people but then find I can't even make the smallest effort. Luckily a few people are being good about reaching out to me instead. Even the smallest connections through Twitter and my blog are giving me strength right now. Hopefully with a little bit more of spring warmth and sunshine, I'll be able to pay that forward to other people. Take care of yourself, Andi!

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  11. Andi my experience has been that reaching out, making contact and sharing your feelings and thoughts is often the first sign that things are moving in the right direction again. Thinking about others is another (see your P.S.)

    From someone on the other side of the world, please don't let your elections affect you so profoundly. Our day to day lives and routines are not trivial (even though I know it can feel like that at times). If we allow our politicians to trivialise our lives - they win. It is honouring all that day to day mundane stuff that makes our lives significant to us and to those who share our lives with us.

    Good luck, stay strong and fake it until you make it! (I always thought this sounded awful and unauthentic until I tried it and it worked.)

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  12. Awh - I'm so sorry to hear this. Hang in there and, if this is a down cycle, there must be an up cycle in your future, right? And, we'll be right here whenever you feel like writing again.

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  13. Sorry to hear that you're going through this, Andi. I definitely look forward to your posts and hope that they continue.

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  14. Andi,take care of yourself I always read your posts love your spirit.Miss your fashionista pics.Heal yourself&scone back.💕

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  15. Meant come back not scone back but a yummy scone sounds good😀

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  16. I've been surrounded by depression most of my life but until November, when my mom died, I don't think I ever really experienced it myself. Life since November has been a chore. Big time. Right now, the "offs" don't outweigh the "ons" so I am not thinking medication at this point in time but if I feel this blah for much longer I may have to look into it. I feel ridiculous saying that. But what you said about just sitting. That's me. I can sit here right now and stare off into space and be quite content. Ask me to take the kid to a doc appt and watch me fall apart a little. Eeek.

    As for you, I do hope you continue with blogging but on your time is fine. I mean, that's how it should be.

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  17. Girl. I have been here so many times except for some reason I can always read. Usually, that is the only thing I ever want to do when I am at the lowest point in a depressive cycle. However, I do find myself actually watching TV at those moments too. As for working out, that NEVER happens at those moments, even though it is probably the best thing we could do.

    Just hang in there. I know you know the drill, and you will feel better again. In the meantime, we are not going anywhere.

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  18. I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I can relate. My depression and anxiety have been worsening lately too. I haven't yet reached the point where I can't read, but I know what that's like. It's a particularly cruel aspect of depression -- like you're not even allowed a way to get out of your own head for a while. :-( I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. <3

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  19. Andi, do know that even though you tell us not to worry, you are in my thoughts. *hugs* Take all the time you need. And do know that we are thinking of you.

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  20. Thank you for being so open and honest always. There are so many of us battling depression at some level and it's always good to know we are not alone. I'm sorry to hear you're going through one of these periods.

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Thanks for taking the time to comment! Blogger has been a beast lately, so I hope you do not have any troubles leaving your thoughts.

 
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