Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Putting On Armor

I mentioned earlier today on Twitter that I skipped out on my second class of the morning. I taught the first one, had a decent time doing it, but when the time came to skip over to the second, my stomach seized up, I started sweating, it felt a bit like the floor fell out from under me. In short, anxiety happened. I put an "out sick" note on the board and posted work online for the day.

I can't say that something like that has happened since, oh, 2003. Not in relation to a class anyway.  I've been open here about anxiety and depression. It's one of the reasons I left my old job. Anxiety was eating me up.

In my previous post, I mentioned wanting to get back on track with running to try to prevent some of this. That wasn't really the whole story though. Lately, every day feels like putting on armor. Steeling myself for the next thing.

Greyson is having some difficulties in school and "ADHD" has been tossed around, much to his dad's chagrin, so I won't go into detail. Needless to say, I feel the need to closely monitor and advocate for him. We're working on a different approach to behavior...something we've tried before with good it seems promising in the long term. We'll see.

I have a wicked case of electionitis, which I've also mentioned but not discussed in any detail. As much as I try to be objective, even-tempered, cool-headed, and rhetorically-sensitive, I am at a precipice. Texas, for the first time in my memory, is a swing state. It is almost unbearable for me to see people I went to school with, people I've respected, and family members defending Trump's toxic rhetoric. Being that rhetorically-sensitive teacher--it's my literal job--I do understand some of what persuades these folks, but since politics is all about priorities, I can't stomach support for a candidate whose actions have made it a grand old time for racism and sexism to come out and bask in the sun. I want to say, yeah, you're a garbage fire and sit the fuck down. That's as honest as it gets. Ugly, but honest.

Finally, I'm tired. Bone tired. I have wonderful support from my husband and mom, but I feel like I'm driving a lot, nurturing a lot, without getting enough back. Again, that's not anyone's fault close to me. I'm tired of being an adult when others are not. I'm tired of being observant and responsible, involved, outspoken, when others are not. (Nope, not giving any more detail.)

Armor. Every day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Yesternight: The Book That Broke the Cycle

Out of the blue, Heather texted to ask if I have an Audible account. I usually use my husband's, but she said she wanted to send over an audiobook that might bust my slump.

In walked Yesternight by Cat Winters. Most assuredly, it did bust my slump. Or at least I think so. I finished it, which is more than I can say for any book since August.

In 1925, Alice Lind--a professionally serious, liberated woman--works as a psychologist administering IQ tests in rural Oregon schools. When she steps off the train in Gordon Bay, her life takes a turn. She meets Janie O'Daire, a seven year old girl who insists she's lived a past life. Insofar as a seven year old can insist that. Her parents are concerned and her father brings Alice to town under the guise of testing everyone. As a woman in a man's field, investigating, attempting to confirm a reincarnation case, could seriously damage her credibility. What to do?

The story is compelling from the first, but the real winner here is the audiobook narrator, Xe Sands. Her voice performance is STUNNING. So much emotion, such a range of characters. Love, love, love.

The book left me spooked at times, always interested, and genuinely intrigued. Heather and I had to do some discussing of the ending. Good stuff!

Monday, October 24, 2016

Falling Off the Wagon

Running fell to the wayside in August. The Texas heat got me. Leaving the house in 90-degree temperatures before sunrise every day was harder than I expected, so I gave myself a break.

Now, a couple of months later, I've been comforting myself with ice cream far more often than a good run. I suppose there's no shame in falling off the wagon. It happens. I haven't lost the progress I'd made before. I've been running once a week, but I haven't been working toward anything specific, and I haven't been running for as long as I was before.

Days like today, and most days lately, I feel desperate to get back on track. First and foremost I miss it. I'm also really stressed out. Between the classes I'm teaching, the sticker shop, and some issues Greyson has had at school, I need to exhaust myself. Between election talk and nurturing the people around me, I need to exhaust myself.

In truth, I've sort of let self-care fall to the wayside in general. Not just running but makeup, face masks, skincare, organizing. Things I like, even though they probably don't sound all that likable to some people.

This post is me 1) venting and 2) being accountable. I had started working back through C25K at a faster pace than the first time I did it, and I really liked that strategy. I had shaved several minutes off my comfortable pace, and I'd like to get back to it. I'd like more "me" time.

Saturday, October 22, 2016


Hour 15 Update

Uh, hi! I'm here, really. It's been a busy day. Not as stressful as usual. Our streamlining has definitely paid off this readathon. I spent most of the morning doing admin stuff, I did some sticker shop work, took, a nap, and at 6pm I went to my son's Cub Scout badge ceremony.

I have been listening to Yesternight by Cat Winters on and off all day, and I'm almost done with it! I love love love it, and I'm so glad Heather turned me on to this one.

What's next? I will be hosting at from hours 18-20 and reading some comics!

See y'all in a bit!

Hour 2

Happy Readathon day! As you might imagine, given my lack of substantial reading lately, I'm taking a laissez faire approach to the day. That works out well for me anyway because Heather and I are always fairly busy with the back-end stuff. We'll see how it goes! I know I'll be listening to Yesternight by Cat Winters.

1) What fine part of the world are you reading from today? Dallas'ish, Texas! 
2) Which book in your stack are you most looking forward to? See above re: Yesternight. Heather was a peach and sent me a surprise package of books, so I may be going for Hammer Head next! 
3) Which snack are you most looking forward to? Bourbon pecan pie ice cream from Ben and Jerry's. OMG.
4) Tell us a little something about yourself! I'm crazy for having four jobs. 
5) If you participated in the last read-a-thon, what’s one thing you’ll do different today? If this is your first read-a-thon, what are you most looking forward to? More "take it as it comes". Have fun! 
Images by Freepik